25 DAYS | 25 SONGS – DAY 14: The Unknown

25-songs-blog-challenge

I still don’t have a new boyfriend after breaking up with my ex one.  It has been about 3 years already, and I don’t think I can meet anyone new. I don’t mind being single otherwise I wouldn’t walk away from my past relationship. However, sometimes I wish I can have someone by my side.  The lyrics of this song immensely impacted me when I first listened to it. Its name was ‘I need you now’ by Olly Murs.  And it was the song I would like to sing out to my unknown boyfriend.

I don’t know who you are
Don’t even know your name
I wish we could talk but I don’t have a number to call
So hold your hand up if you hear me,
I’ve been searching but all that I found
Is everywhere that I go, is standing alone in the crowd
And I need you now… I need you now

An ex

How one can handle an ex? Let’s say ex-boyfriend. (The one I mentioned here)

After I broke up with him for two years and we rarely talk to each other after that. He recently tried to call me which I didn’t pick up his calls. Some might say that we can be friend after breaking-up and that’s what I thought I was going to do. However, I’m always reminded of his rage and jealousy whenever I think of him so I am trying to avoid any communication with him.

When I told him I don’t love him anymore, I didn’t give him any explanation. I kind of took a blame to myself and let him think I was the one who had black-heart (according to a word he called me at that time).

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He may never know how much I needed to alter myself to suit his demands. “Don’t tell your friends/family about our arguments otherwise I will break up with you” as he used to tell me like that so I never told anyone about his over jealousy or anger during our relationship. Anyway, I spoke up after I’m no longer with him.

He never hurt me physically but his fury hurt me emotionally. Yes, we had moments of happiness together but I don’t know why they are so vague memory now. It turns out that I tend to recall the bad moments such as the time when he was suspicious of my relationship with a female friend or a married male co-worker, which I tried to reason with him that I was a straight woman; and I will never engage myself with anyone who’s already had girlfriends/wives.  He claimed that he had a bad experience with his ex-girlfriend so he couldn’t trust me. Thus, I needed to extract myself from others in order to avoid arguments with him on that matter. None the less, I felt that he was unfair as he blamed me for his unfaithful ex-girlfriend.

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We had quarrels many times and I cried a lot. Each time, it would start like I unintentionally did something that he didn’t satisfy with. He would be very angry and I wasn’t aware of what I did wrongly at that time. There was one time we had very big argument in my car while I was driving, and he was very angry … so angry that he punched himself 2-3 times.

I’ve never thought I could endure the roller-coaster relationship like that for 2 and a half years. My friends who know me well can’t believe that I could tolerate such behaviours too. As I has a strong personality outside (but I’m kind of sensitive regarding some topics), I’m not afraid of speaking my mind. I am sincere and I will never be unfaithful. I might not be easy at small talk or start conversation with strangers but I can talk to anyone if we have the same interest on music/book/travel/gadgets without thinking of their genders.

After two years of breaking-up, he started to contact me again. When I didn’t pick up his calls (he tried to call once a week), we talked via Line application. He asked me to meet him for lunch so we can catch up. However, I don’t want to do that. He said if I don’t meet him, he might visit my company (I hope he’s just kidding). He said something like I still love him so that’s why I don’t want to meet him (Unbearable logic?!?) or I’m afraid that he still loves me which I hope not.

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It is annoying and I don’t know how should I handle this kind of situation since I have only one ex-boyfriend in my life (yeah, I’m not popular and might be single till I die). For me, it doesn’t matter what he think about me now, I just don’t want to meet or talk to him unless it is truly necessary. I’m thinking of building up a fake new boyfriend but I knew it’s a silly solution and I’m not good at telling lies. I therefore try to respond him as less as I can without creating bad terms with him. Ignore his non-sense accusation as much as I can.

That is the best option I can think of and hope that he will be bored and stop his attempts as soon as possible.

Travel theme: Sculpture

I’m leading the single life.
A little chance for me to meet the right one.
I tell myself – I can be alone.
Yes, I can.

The Musée du Louvre | Paris | France | 2011

The Musée du Louvre | Paris | France | 2011

But sometimes, it would be great to have someone to hold you.
No need to say a word.
Just be there and ensure you that.
It’s gonna be alright.

The Musée du Louvre | Paris | France | 2011

The Musée du Louvre | Paris | France | 2011

You don’t need to act strong all the times.
It’s ok for you to be weak once in a while.

The Musée du Louvre | Paris | France | 2011

The Musée du Louvre | Paris | France | 2011

“Just be with me and share my love for you”
“Every thing’s gonna be fine”

More Travel Theme: Sculpture can be seen here.

I do my thing and you do yours

Quotes and lyrics are one of my favorite reading materials. I sometimes like to read quotes of various topics on the Internet. Besides quotes and lyrics, memorable statements from movies are my things as well such as ‘Love is like the wind‘.

There is one quote that I’ve read it on a book about psychology more than 20 years ago, and it always lies in my mind. It was a statement by Fritz Perls. When I read this quote in a book, I just knew that it was related to psychology. However, I found that it’s related to some therapy after searching for its more information. I haven’t got through anything in that therapy since I just liked the statements because of the meaning.

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.

(Fritz Perls, “Gestalt Therapy Verbatim”, 1969) – Source

The meaning of those words are quite true to myself.

 

The other half

I think that some of us, who are single, hope that one day we would meet our soul mate; the other half of ourselves. I used to think something like that. The idea that someone would come to my life and complete me. (Yep, the famous quote from Jerry Maguire ‘You complete me.’)

In the past, the word ‘other half’ seems to misguide me somehow. It made me to look for something that I don’t have in the other person. When I tried to search for talent, skills, habits or anything that I wished I had, it feel like I always expected that they would act/think/do or whatever in the ways I wanted. And yes, I was always tired in that relationship because it was exhausted when you expected something too much. Such relationship was so unhealthy and it certainly couldn’t last long.

I was back in the no-relationship zone but I was still looking for someone who would complete me. This notion made me to weirdly act in a certain situation, which I eventually realized something…

The idea that I can’t wish or hope for someone to just walk into my life and complete some of my dreams.

But I should earn that by myself. I should do things that I want instead of expecting them from someone.

Because they are my dreams and expectations. No one could do that better than me.

More important, I should wish to share them with that special person if I could succeed.

From that realization, I finally understand these statements in the holstee manifesto.

If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.

Right now, I am still in the no-relationship zone; but I am content and understand what I want to do in my life. Admittedly, I still have a tiny hope that one day that single person would come into my life and share the things we love together. However, I think I will be able to enjoy my life if it might never happen. Because when you’ve started doing somethings you love, it’s your bliss. And if you could find someone to share your joy with you, it is a bonus to life.

When I look at the sky, I see this heart-shape cloud.

When I look at the sky, I see this heart-shape cloud.

Marriage

I’m thinking about marriage. No! I’m not getting married for sure. I’m just thinking about the idea of wedding party. Today I had a chance to talk to my male senior at office. We were chatting about his girlfriend and him. When will they hold the wedding day. He is older than me for 9 years meaning that he has already passed the prime time of marriage. However, guys can still think of marriage no matter how old are they, while woman like me has already dismissed the idea of it. He is trying to set the date according to numeric formula to get the nice number of date/month/year. It’s kind of fun to think something like this, but I also told him that it would be great if the wedding party could easily set up as the same as these number patterns. Unfortunately, we all know it’s not that easy.

I’ve known or heard about the wedding parties that are held here in my surrounding. Generally, the parties are quite big which there are 200 guests up. Some events can have wedding guests up to 1000 person. Some events need to be arranged in park or garden far from Bangkok where guests have to take long journey travelling back and forth. I may not be able to understand the mind of brides and grooms; whenever they are trying to set up their wedding ceremonies, that guests have to put a lot of effort to attend. That’s why I rarely went through trouble to go to that kind of party. However, I wholeheartedly go to any party if bride and groom are my closed friends. Speaking of bias! Yes, I don’t deny it. I think that anyone, who attends in this kind of blissful events, should bring happiness to share with the couple. Therefore, if I have to carry my bitterness of journey trouble to participate in any wedding party, I better not go.

This is my thought which may sound that I am a sour grape because I won’t be able to get married. Anyway I think like this for a long time, back to when I had a chance to consider marriage, I would have had a small wedding party containing around 40-50 guests. Our closed relatives and friends should have come to share the merry moment with us. Nonetheless, I won’t be able to follow this notion anymore since I don’t have a groom. Still, I should arrange the party to celebrate the single-hood like I’ve heard from someone before. Yes, when the right time has come.

Single and I know it.

Last month I came across this article ‘Single and Childless: I Know What You’re Thinking‘ which I think some ideas seemed to speak my mind. Recently, I’ve just finished watching the Japanese drama called 結婚しない (Kekkon Shinai) or the English name is ‘Wonderful Single Life’. Actually, the Japanese name can be directly translated to ‘Not Married’. It was about three main characters: a 35 years-old single woman who wants to get married someday, a 44 years-old single woman who doesn’t want to get married, and a 32 years-old man who can’t be married. I think I could understand the 1st character because she and I are in the same age range with the similar idea.

I’m not sure about the current situation, but from my growing up we generally don’t have the dating culture here in Thailand. In Thai culture, women should not firstly show attention on men or flirt with them. Women shouldn’t try to go on dates with different guys to see whether they could be compatible or not. The opportunities to meet someone lie in classmates, colleagues or circle of friends. It seems that women cannot choose the one whom we’re really interested in, but we have to wait for guys to make the first move. If he is the right guy, they can see the future together. But if he isn’t, men could move on to another one while women need to consider their ages. Since guys can marry to a much younger one while women can but we shouldn’t do it. That’s why Thai women have more potential to be singles than men.

Although I don’t think I have to get married, I think it’s good if we have someone to share the happy and sad moments together especially go travel. And in Thai culture, we should be married in order to have something like that. Unfortunately, as I’ve reached to the certain age that most of my friends or co-workers get married and have children of their own. The chance that I mentioned in the previous paragraph is getting scarce. That’s why I could come up with the notion that I will continue the single hood for sure.

At first, it’s a bit scary to think that I might die alone in the bed surrounding with cats eating my body. Too melodramatic? Maybe? It’s just the normal state in our life to feel insecure with the future. But I realized that I just need to prepare myself to grow old and need not to be scared. I just hope that I will be able to be the wise old woman who have a good health to do a lot of things. An old woman who has her brother to talk to or rely on once in a while. An old woman who still holds the good relationship with her married best girl friends. An old woman who may live alone but not lonely. Yes, that’s me someday.